47 Productions Teaser
Plus, myself, Sean and Kyle are in the process of getting our website/media shit together, so I’ve been slowly trying to work on that sort of thing in my spare time. It’s coming along.
In the mean time, check out the teaser trailer that Sean made, and check back for updates. Expect awesomeness.
WBC vs. Metalheads
They tend to picket at funerals, particularly those of people that were gay or somehow related to gay culture. They’ve protested at the funerals of members of the military, proclaiming that God is punishing the world through war for our lack of religious morals. They’ve also held protests directed towards Jews, Michael Jackson, the movie Milk, etc...
Other groups hold counter-protests at WBC functions, which usually produce some hilarious material. Members of whatever other groups infiltrate the protest with fake signs, either poorly spelled to diminish the credibility of the church, or just with awesome signs. When Michael Moore’s show, The Awful Truth, was still on, he showed up at one of the WBC’s protests with a bus full of gay dudes, aptly named The Sodomobile
I’m mentioning this beause the WBC is planning on protesting at the funeral of ex-Black Sabbath member Ronnie James Dio, who recently passed away due to cancer. I’m not really a metal fan, but I can appreciate it and I can recognize that Dio was an icon for the genre. They are doing this because,
“This rebel had a God-given platform – for decades – which he should have utilized to publish the truth of God. He used that platform – for decades – to teach rebellion against God, in the form glorifying atheism, promoting the devil horn hand sign & other such idolatries. Now he has been cut off by an Angry God & cast into hell.”The Opie & Anthony show made a great point the other day: the WBC will only ever pick easy targets. One of the reasons that the WBC protests at military funerals is due to the high level of discipline that the military exhibits. As incredible as if would be for them to retaliate by driving a tank through the WBC’s headquarters, they’re not going to.
- Westboro Baptist Churst Press Release
That level of discipline will not be demonstrated by metal fans. Some of them are certifiably insane.
This is not what discipline looks like.
I sincerely hope that and gang of headbangers with spiked boots and pentagrams carved into their backs takes it upon themselves to sacrifice WBC founder Fred Phelps to Satan. Not only would it:
a) Stop the insanity that is the Westboro Baptist Church,
b) Send a message to other similar idiotic groups, but also
c) Be metal as fuck.
I’d like to see them protest at the funeral of the next murdered rapper. I can’t imagine a WBC trip to Compton ending very pleasantly.
Draw Mohammad Day
Religion, to me, is like a cup of coffee. Some people like a cup in the morning to get their day started, while some need coffee to function. And don’t try to force a tea drinker to like it.
I see all religions as a little bit stupid, but at the same time, I think that you should be allowed to believe whatever you want to believe. If nobody is being hurt or forced against their will, all the power to you. Scientology is a fucking nutty thing to believe in, but if that’d what you want to think, by all means.
A Facebook group was recently created proclaiming today to be Everybody Draw Mohammad Day.
Now, despite whatever anybody affiliated with the group says, this group was created to cause shit. That is the primary focus, and that’s what it is doing. The group has received coverage on major news networks and has caused Pakistan to officially block Facebook.
All that being said, the group raises a beautiful point. The religious laws of Islam (or Christianity or Buddhism or Scientology or anything) do not apply to me. The laws of whatever country I happen to be in do. If I were to travel to Pakistan, I would adhere to their laws the same was I adhere to Canada’s. But I have no obligation to follow the laws of Islam because I am an agnostic prick.
If you don’t want to draw Mohammad, then don’t. Nobody is forcing you to. But I have no obligation not to.
It seems as though Islam is the “no-no” religion when it comes to parody or satire. Why? Unless something is excessively offensive, Christians don’t mind if I draw Jesus. I usually don’t go to far out of my way to make an offensive joke, but I do from time to time and I’m glad that I have the right to. If I make an offensive joke, chances are I was going for inane.
It’s absolutely insane that people have been killed over this, especially by a self-proclaimed “peaceful religion.”
So again, feel free to not draw pictures of Mohammad. I’m off to go draw one of him wearing a silly hat.
Cheat to Win: Child Edition
At one such holiday (Easer, I think), I was coerced by her 6-year-old cousin into playing Pokemon cards with him. I had Pokemon cards when I was a kid, but never really played with them. I jumped on the bandwagon late and never really had much interest in it. Even though I never really played with them, I knew how the game was supposed to work: each character has a set amount of hit points (health) and moves that either reduce the hit points of the other character or enhance their own defense. Throw in some moves with special effects, and you get the idea.
Chuck Norris: The Ultimate Pokemon
I sat down on the floor with Mel’s cousin and we set up cards. We each had an even amount. I soon found that this kid either didn’t fully understand the rules of the game, or just simply didn’t care. Or, most likely, a combination of both. We took turns saying “I choose this Pokemon’s attack on that Pokemon,” then subtracting the attack damage from the health. That was it, and I was losing.
I was losing a stupid game to a child, and I was not at all happy about it.
So what did I do? I began to cheat.
When a Pokemon was dead, we would flip our cards over. We each had, let’s say, around 10 different cards. I figured he wasn’t counting. So, when he was distracted (which I’m sure I probably tried to do) I would flip my dead cards over.
I would also blatantly lie about how many hit points my cards would have, or whether or not it was my turn, or basically anything I could lie about to give me an advantage.
I won.
I bring this up because I was at Vicki’s house last weekend and babysat her son Drew with my good friends Ashley and Sean. Drew has a Wii, and we all wanted to play Super Mario Wii. It’s two-player and awesome. I played with Drew first.
In Super Mario Wii, if one player dies, he floats back into play in a bubble, which pops when the other player touches it. To start, Drew jumped on a Yoshi, ate my character and spit him into danger, killing him instantly. When I returned in the bubble, he avoided it. I had never played Wii with this kid, and he was effectively sucking the fun right out of it. Drew was fucking me over, and he continued to fuck everyone else over the entire time we were playing.
As you’ve likely found evident in the first story I just told, I’ll play dirty against a child. If you want to play nice, kid, that’s great. We’ll cooperate and it’ll be fun. But if you want to play rough, I will take you to war.
Say hello to my little friend, 6 year old child.
So I started playing against Drew instead of with him. I threw him into danger. I stole his power-ups. I took the Yoshi that he wanted. I did a lot of things just to fuck him over. Because that’s the type of person that I am.
Someday, when I have kids, they are going to hate playing games with me. And rightfully so.
SMFD 2: Josh FN Grobin
Mythical Food: The McGangBang
As an unofficial menu item, some McDonald’s restaurants may be aware of the McGangBang and be able to make one for you. However, given its name and horrible ingredients, you’ll likely be more interested in constructing one for yourself. For the blissfully unaware, the McGangBang is s combination of a Double Cheeseburger and a McChicken sandwich. You simply split the double cheeseburger in half, insert the McChicken, and reassemble. It is the spawn of the internet, with its history accurately summed up by Eat Me Daily.
This is the nutritional info:
I had originally planned to have Bobby document the journey of obesity and high-cholesterol that I was to embark on, but I had forgotten about a prior eating engagement between my dad and I (an all-you-can-eat pie dinner at a local church). It was about 2:00 PM, and the fridge had a distinct lack of anything I wanted to eat. Out of hunger, boredom and curiosity, I drove to McDonald’s.
I had read that the ingredients were available from the Value Menu and should cost less than $3. At my local McDonald’s, the McChicken is not a value item, just the double cheeseburger and a junior chicken. I orderer both pieces and realized I had done something wrong when the total was about $6, but figured that this was close enough. I then decided that a standard McGangBang must be a Double cheeseburger and Junior McChicken, with a more deluxe version being a Double Quarter Pounder and regular McChicken. Semantics, I decided. The page linked above states yet another variant, the Unprotected GangBang, made with a Spicy McChicken, but I didn’t see it listed on the menu and didn’t want to push my luck.
(Eat Me Daily also lists this, a possible ancestor to the McGangBang.)
I came home and began my experiment.
I was not about to eat this without the aid of alcohol. Thank you, Alexander Keith.
Pickles? Gross.
Construction begins. And fuck those pickles.
The completed monstrosity.
I told Sam I was going to fuck it.
I had to hold myself back because my dad was downstairs.
There it stood on the table, valiant and majestic.
I am wary and skeptical.
This might kill me.
Fuck it.
Not bad. The flavours mix very nicely.
If you don’t mind dying a few years earlier, I suggest trying one.
I love that my camera can shoot macro. Don’t you?
I forget what I was thinking when I took this photo. Probably nothing hopeful.
I am a soldier. I shall march on into danger.
I sighed a lot.
This accurately sums up what my body felt like.
This was the last peice. I wasn’t 100% sure I could eat it it in one bite. Thankfully (unfortunately?) I did.
The aftermath. 
Another photo of how I felt.
Have you ever been hungry and eaten something and when you finish, even though you’re full, you’re not satisfied? This was quite possibly the single most satisfying thing I have ever eaten. It had a really nice mix of the flavours of both the burger and the McChicken, but I couldn’t really taste either individually. At one point, a few bites in, I thought about adding ketchup to it, but I couldn’t figure out which layers to put it between where I’d actually be able to taste it.
The physical feeling afterwards is the biggest downside, slightly ahead of the sense of shame and failure that you experience during, which is just ahead of the part where it makes you feel like you just punched a kitten in the mouth. Maybe it was because I hadn’t eaten a whole lot before and the beer hit me a little harder than usual, or maybe it was because of all the fat and grease, but I think I felt a little lightheaded.
There’s a good chance that I’m going to hell for eating this. There are so many starving kids in the world, and I just ate such a symbol of gluttony that I think I maybe have killed an African village with sheer disappointment. Americans wonder why the rest of the world hates them so much? This is why.
But I am not swayed. I will venture forth and eat other mythical foods, particularly the fabled KFC Double Down and the unholy BK Noah’s Ark.
Not this week though. That would probably kill me.
Skaters & Complimentary Envelopes
You see, there’s this high-school skateboarder that’s been coming in to the store lately, sometimes by himself and sometimes with his rad little skater friends. Out of my previous four shifts, I have seen him on three of them, multiple times per shift.
Nothing really against skateboarders, but can you please just fuck off? We get it, you’re totally sticking to the man, man. Nobody tells you what to do! You just skate for the love of skating, wherever you please, because it’s totally a free country, right?
To quote the movie Snatch:
Doug: What are you doing?By all means, feel free to skateboard. Just do it someplace where you’re not in the fucking way. This is a store. People shop here. This is commercial property, and is not part of the lovely “free country” idea that you enjoy referencing so much. There is no difference between you skating in the store lot and on my driveway. So when you’re doing your kickflips in front of the main entrance, please understand that you are in the fucking way. Not to mention that when you fall in the parking lot, which you will (and it’s absolutely hilarious), and knock your teeth out (again, hilarious), the store is liable.
Kid: (spits) It’s a free country, isn’t it?
Doug: Well it’s not a free shop, is it? So fuck off.
I’m off on a tangent; I digress.
My awesome little skater buddy and his friends come into the store to buy their Monster energy drinks and then proceed to take up space outside for a few minutes, before either running around to the receiving dock to skate or just skating in front of the main doors. Customers complain, or we see them walk around to the side, and then a couple of us have to go outside and tell them to fuck off. They complain and protest, blah-blah-free country-blah, then eventually leave.
The other night I am at work, behind the counter tending so a customer’s photo order. I hear a coworker say, “What do you think you’re doing?” and I look up to see my skater friend with a red, greeting card envelope in hand, standing near the door.
“It’s just an envelope,” he says stupidly.
What the fuck did you think would happen? Do you not understand how stores work? You can’t just take things, you self-rightous little shit. Did you think we would say, “Oh, yeah, of course. Take as many as you like,” and smile as you left? Nobody cares that you just need one fucking envelope. Buy a package of them, idiot. And what about the birthday card that now lacks an envelope?
And then he came back later to buy milk. I’m surprised he didn’t just leave with it.
“It’s okay. It’s just milk.”